DO NOT ALLOW

by Diane Zinna

DO NOT ALLOW the daughter to be in the room when her mother yells. Gently guide her to another room, far away. In these moments she will be telling herself she is a bad mom, that she needs to repair it all immediately. She cannot bear that her daughter has seen her panic, scream out, and slap her own face. She wants to cover her girl with kisses and assure her that Mommy is okay, that these tides pass, that she would never hurt herself, and she’d never hurt her. Escort the woman gently to another room, though she’ll be screaming that she doesn’t want you guiding her by her elbow like a patient, that she wants to be with her girl. Whisper to her that she needs a few minutes of quiet, even if you know she can’t hear you over her own wailing. Her breasts will swell to hear her daughter cry, this leftover physical attachment from their years ago of breastfeeding. Her breasts will sting as old routes and ducts awaken like wiggling fingers, as though they are becoming hands to reach out and soothe her child. Leaving her behind a door, on the other side of the house, she’ll be alone and feel what it’s like to be alone. Her breasts may keep grabbing at the doorknob, they may be coming together in prayer, they may want to ball themselves up into fists, they may want to punch herself out, but the quiet there, in the back room, that quiet room on the other side of the house, will eventually calm her. And look, here she emerges, tears dried, arms spread out to her girl, two wet spots on her shirt when everyone thought those channels were as good as dead, and her daughter is running to her, jumping into her, pressing her cheek against her heart.

Diane Zinna is the author of the novel The All-Night Sun (Random House) and Letting Grief Speak: Writing Portals for Life After Loss, a forthcoming craft book on the art of telling our hardest stories. Her short work has been nominated for a Pushcart Prize and appeared in Brevity, The Bellevue Literary Review, CutBank, MER, and elsewhere. Since 2020, she has led the free online class Grief Writing Sundays. Meet her there or at www.dianezinna.com.